


love me and learn to let me go

by sugagguk (totorojin)



Series: of stars and unavoidable chaos [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 01:00:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13470375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totorojin/pseuds/sugagguk
Summary: stars and a rocketship.





	love me and learn to let me go

junhui truly liked the idea of having a soulmate.

he felt bad if there was an alternative universe where people didn't have soulmates. not they didn't have a soulmate, but they just didn't have a system or a way of knowing who it is. in his world of uncompleted people, there were different variations of clues on who your soulmate is. his little brother's clue is music. if you are near your soulmate and they are listening to a song, you will hear the song that they are listening to. if they are far away, you'll only hear a low rumble in the back of your head, and as you approach your soulmate nearer and nearer — the music will get louder.

his mom and dad's clue was writing, whatever was drawn or written on one of them it would appear on the other. the catch was that they couldn't reveal their names because for some couples it would either get smudged immediately, or they would risk bad luck.

junhui's clue was a tattoo on his wrist. it was an uncompleted outline tattoo of a line of stars, and once he had touched his soulmate, skin to skin — it would trigger an almost unbearable pain in his wrist, and the tattoo would complete itself once he touched them. he read up a bit on soulmates and found out his soulmate has a different tattoo, so it would be a little bit harder to find them. but he digressed, as long as they both scream in terror and then their tattoo would finish upon each other's touch, it's rest assured that's the one.

all he had ever wanted for the tattoo to complete itself, and to see his soulmate. despite the pain in his poor wrist that would overcome his body, despite the fact that it would hurt so much he would scream in agony and terror, probably even tears rolling down his cheeks. but it would be worth, so worth it. it would be worth it because he knows that this other person with a freshly completed tattoo is his other half. the half that was missing from his soul.

he knows his heart carved a hole in the shape of his soulmate, and no one that even came close to could replace the hole in his heart. it didn't bother him very much as a kid that there's someone out there waiting for him to come into their life; he was more or less fascinated by that fact, and he didn't mind the fact that some of his friends have already found their other half already, somehow.

but as he grow a little older, it began to seriously bug him. he would squirm in his seat when he saw other soulmates together, even when he was age seven (7) he would randomly start crying in class because " _he felt incomplete, like something like an arm or leg was missing_ ". it didn't get too bad, not to the point where he was depressed because he has a hole in his heart and he can't manage to fix it — but he would still have episodes of crying at random times, because his lungs were captured and his heart was broken.

these episodes of panic and crying would happen once every week or so after his body was old enough to understand that his other half was missing, they would last between twenty (20) and thirty (30) minutes, and they would tucker junhui so much that he would have to rest at least an hour or two afterwards, and because of all the energy it took up — he would sometimes get to the point where he would almost immediately black out afterwards.

the first time it happened in the middle of class, junhui was escorted out and into a cozy, small beige room which he had recognized as the counselor's office. she had him sit down on a very cozy and soft couch, she gave him a small bird plush to hold and with a disgustingly sympathetically smile.

she asked him, "can you hear another person's thoughts — that you for a fact aren't yours?"

jun hugged his bird tighter, the tear tracks on his cheeks were still glistening despite being mostly dried off. he shook his head no, he wasn't really in the mood to talk.

"can you feel sudden hot touches on your body, when you know you haven't been touched?"

he shook his head no again.

"can you hear distant rumbles of music at the back of your head, even if you aren't currently listening to music?"

 _no_.

she smiled again, and scribbled something down. she perked her head up again. "so we know it's not something that has got to do with that. now we're on more psychical variations. have you ever gotten sudden cuts or bruises even if you haven't tripped or hurt yourself?"

 _no_.

"have random drawings or writings appear on your arm?"

 _no_. he spoke quietly, "i do have a tattoo on my wrist.."

"a tattoo?" her eyebrows had risen, but her smile had never faltered. she scribbled something again, "that is known to be a little bit more uncommon. can i see?"

he snuggled his chin onto his plush, and after a little bit of contemplation, he nodded yes. he let go of his plush, and walked over to the counsellor. he stuck out his wrist, and she held it in somehow a very soft manner. she lightly grazed over the uncompleted stars, and gestured for him to sit again. he did, and he grabbed the plush once more.

"do you know or understand why you have an arrangement of uncompleted stars on your wrist, junhui?"

he had looked down on his wrist, and he stared at the ink for a little while before speaking, "no. i don't know why stars are on my wrist."

"that is because of a thing called a soulmate. every has one, junhui. your mommy and daddy are soulmates, for example. that's how they had you. your soulmate could be a different gender or the same, a different race or one of your own. they could be in the same country as you or across the world, but no matter where or who they are — they are destined to be the perfect match for you. your other half. we all have a clue as to how we find our soulmates, some find each other through being able to sense the other's emotions, their eyes changing to whatever hair colour their soulmate has, etc."

he perked up a little bit, and in a shy voice asked, "what is my clue?"

"your clue is that tattoo."

with surprise, he looked down at his wrist and for the first time looked at his stars with a look of awe. "i find my soulmate with this..? but how?"

"good question, junhui. when you touch your soulmate for the first time, you will get a surge of pain in your wrist and the tattoo will complete itself upon meeting your soulmate, and so will theirs. now unfortunately, junhui, i will have to discuss with you about these " _episodes_ ", let's call them that.."

he pouted and he snuggled his chin into his bird again. "what about them..?"

"you were right to feel as if something as important as your leg or arm is missing — because something as important as that is missing, junhui, and sadly it's your soulmate. your body will have these episodes as it's way to reacting to it's danger senses going off, because your body is missing your soulmate. for right now, these episodes will happen about once a week, they'll last between twenty (20)—thirty (30) minutes long, and they won't be as intense. when you get to the age of around twelve (12) to fourteen (14) years of age — these episodes will happen once a month, and sadly they'll last around a half an hour to a hour, and they'll spike up a lot in intensity, if you haven't found them yet."

"yeah..?" he looked up from the ground as he was listening intently, trying to comprehend just everything that this lady was saying to him.

"we will contact your parents, and you will go to home early. i'm sorry that this happened in the middle of class, junhui, i know it must be very distressing on it's own for a seven (7) year old to comprehend, especially if your classmates are sitting right next to you and they don't know what was going around inside of your head to make you scream and cry like that."

"it's alright. i'm just sad that now i know it will happen again." junhui muttered. he left the plush he was squeezing onto for dear life at the side of the couch, and lifted himself onto his feet.

"you can go pack your bag, and wait outside until we get your mother or father on the phone..are you fine with being alone or do you want someone to be there with you while you are waiting?"

he sighed a not so content sigh, "can someone please be there with me, if it's not a lot of trouble?"

"of course not, i'll send someone."

with that, he left. and since that day onward, all his focus was on finding his soulmate.

he was so fascinated by his soulmate, he didn't even care if they were a boy or not. his mom still teases him about how he was so infatuated with the thought of another person completing his heart that when he came back home that day, he smiled at his mom and said, "mommy, i've got a soulmate!" and when she laughed, he grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and started to draw what he thinks they would look like.

she still has a stash somewhere in the attic of his drawings of him just interpreting what he thinks they look like. the stars on his wrist became so important to him that he would draw that design that was placed on his wrist and put it everywhere. on his backpack, the front of his notebooks, on his jackets. he constantly dreamt of the day his stars would complete. he wondered what his soulmate's tattoo was — was it even an animal of some kind?

he knew when he was thirteen (13) that his other friends wouldn't get him. it was either because they're not too keen on finding their soulmate or because they found theirs at a young age and never had to really deal with the trouble of wanting to be with his other half so badly. he felt so much pain from being away from them ever since he was born, and he just wanted to be by their side, whoever they were. no matter how much pain they caused him both when he was having an episode and when he was not, he wanted to be by their side and support them in any way he can.

he just wants his tattoo to be completed, so he has a reminder that his missing piece of heart is right there with him despite all the suffering they had to go through to finally be there, together. together! that was such a beautiful thought to him, it would easily reassure him to sleep on any restless night.

even though he was just the quietly awkward kid who only read books on soulmates all day long, he managed to make some friends who hadn't found their soulmates either. they provided support and care for him when needed, and whenever he needed a shoulder to lean on after a really bad episode — they were there. he doesn't know or even understand a way he could ever repay them back for all the restless nights over the phone with him, just to keep him company because he just had an episode in the middle of the night, and now his entire body aches and he cannot sleep.

though — one of them, lao, had scared him when he brought up the possibility that his soulmate would die and he would get a new one before he even met his first soulmate. he read it in a book of those types of documented cases, and if junhui's soulmate were to die before they met — his tattoo would change, and that absolutely terrified him.

he never wants his tattoo to change, nor his other half. it would upset him to no end for his stars to disappear before he even got to see what they would look like completed — gosh, the thought of one day he wakes up with a different tattoo, it made him want to sob. he was even upset for the people that had to go through that.

usually, in those cases — the ones with their first soulmate dying — it would come from both ends. person a had their original soulmate die and they were replaced with person b, person b had their original soulmate die and they were replaced with person a. as simple as that.

one of the stories lao had told him was a story about a guy, and his soulmate died before he got to meet them. when he joked to his second soulmate that " _at least they get to bond over having their first soulmates die_ ", his second soulmate had told him that from the beginning, he was suppose to be the one. his second soulmate's tattoo never changed like his did. _god_ , that story broke junhui in two.

he doesn't ever know how he can explain to his friends that aren't interested in finding their soulmate too much just how he can be so easily infatuated with them, whoever they are. he can't begin to understand how to explain how much he cares for them, even without seeing their face. they call him a hopeless romantic but really he just wants another person to share his stars with so they can both shine together.

with all that boring back story out of the way, let's fast forward to this stupid party. before, people who didn't like parties were an outcast, people you didn't see a lot — but now they're just considered generic like junhui right here, leaning up against the wall. his body was as close to the wall as much as it was humanly possible. really, junhui didn't care if he seemed generic when he was doing this, all grumpy with a pout on his face because _someone_ didn't want to play zelda with him and instead dragged him to a party because "there's alcohol". _peachy_.

he was snapped out of his thoughts when he encountered in front of himself a pretty boy with copper hair, his hands on either side of the wall consuming junhui, looking down on him slightly. he had a smirk on his face, cheeky bastard!

"did you just kabedon me?" junhui laughed, as he pushed the flirty boy away from him.

"well what else was i doing, cutie?" he laughed. as if he couldn't take a hint, the boy started fiddling with the collar of junhui's shirt. "say, what's a cute guy like you sitting here being all moody?"

"don't like parties, pretty boy." he grabbed the boy's clothed forearm and moved it away. "if you think you're gonna take advantage of me because i'm bored, and maybe there's an off chance you'll make me all hot and bothered by making out with me, you're dead wrong."

"geez, what kind of guy do you think i am?" minghao tsked and tilted his head slightly while still remaining eye contact with him.

"don't know." he chuckled. "i just met you. though, i'd appreciate if you took me out to dinner first."

"if you have that on your mind, why not telling me your name? i'm xu minghao."

"wen junhui, and good luck with that." he shook his head, laughing and he walked off, brushing shoulders with minghao.

"you're playing hard to get, wen!" he heard minghao yell to him with a cheerfulness in his voice, no malice.

"we'll see about that!"

_—_

junhui was sitting alone in the music room, sitting by a dirty and dusty piano with a few broken white and black keys. he was surrounded by very stereotypical instruments, like guitars and basses. he felt a warmth appear right next to his body, and jolted his head. it was minghao, again.

"minghao? how'd you find me?" junhui laughed out of sheer nervousness, and minghao smiled.

"lao told me."

"how did you know that i'm friends with lao?" junhui raised an eyebrow, "please don't tell me you're a stalker, you just started looking a little bit attractive to me."

"nah. do you really think i didn't see you around before the party? either way, i've hung out with that party animal sometimes. he's fuckin' wild, which is why it makes no sense why you two hang out." minghao shrugged his shoulders, and junhui almost flinched at the mention of that.

"uh.. personal reasons." he gulped, "anyway. why'd you come looking for me?"

"i want to learn how to play piano."

"pfft!" junhui snorted, "oh come on! as if that isn't the most generic and easiest way to get to know me! you're see through, xu minghao."

"oh come on, please?" minghao pleaded. "i've seen you at talent shows — you're not only really good at piano, but singing and dancing too. i wanna learn!"

"but what do you need piano for? everyone thinks i'm a nerd for liking piano, and you know that martial arts shit. don't you think everyone will start thinking of you as lame, boring or a nerd? aren't you the type to care about popularity like it's the only thing important in the world?"

"you've heavily misinterpreted me." minghao looked almost hurt. "i don't care about popularity, but i do like parties. i started hanging with the popular kids at parties and then everyone else declared me 'popular'. but yeah, i guess it's an adder bonus, but i don't care about it like it's my life and soul."

junhui pouted, and then sighed. "alright, i'll teach you piano."

"great!" minghao smiled, and junhui gave him back an half empty smile too.

"place your hands on the keys," he placed them there, and junhui just now realized how he never really noticed how soft and nice minghao's hands look. in fact, his spine felt a little bit tingly when he was thinking about that.

a surge of pain hits junhui and minghao in the wrists the second junhui tried to place his own hands over minghao, and the air in his lungs get sucked out — not because he's basically experiencing death but somehow worse, but because he realized half way through that is the the pain he feels when his tattoo is being completed.

he cries out and so does minghao when it's over, when the ink has finally etched into his skin. with no breath to relay on, he turned to minghao and sure enough, he was out of breath too.

"you're my soulmate..!" junhui stars laughing almost in a self deprecating way, "you're my soulmate!"

minghao stayed quiet when junhui started crying at the top of his lungs, "oh you're my soulmate! my other half! my soulmate!" and when he buried himself into minghao's shoulder, he flinched.

junhui looked up again, and minghao looked down oh him with not love or adoration like he thought he would, but fear and panic. "what's wrong?"

"we've got this.. we've got this all wrong!" minghao cried.

"wrong? how can this be wrong if we're soulmates?"

"no no.. you don't get it. i can't do this right now. i'm not your soulmate."

junhui's world where he thought he would finally be happy shattered into tiny little pieces of glass and he had to thank xu minghao for that. "you're not my soulmate? _you're not my soulmate?!_ "

he watched him intensely as minghao jumped up from his seat, not looking at junhui. "how can you not be my soulmate when i touched you, both mine and yours as well tattoos completed?! how?!"

"i don't know how, but we've got this wrong. i'm not your soulmate." junhui sprung up with minghao when he booked out the door, junhui yelling after him.

junhui felt even more broken now. he felt so broken and his heart is filled with panic and it's twice as heavy as a black hole. he hates this feeling of his tattoo being completed but he doesn't have a soulmate to show for it. what will he say now to other people when they ask him about his completed tattoo, when they coo at the stars and ask him how they met, and what's his soulmate's tattoo — fuck, he couldn't even see what his tattoo was by the time minghao was up and leaving.

it hurt even more than not having him by his side. it hurt that he disappeared in a crowd and now he can't see him, he can't run after him. he wants to sit in the middle of the street and cry at the top of his lungs out of sheer agony, his heart was so heavy. it felt like he was carrying around a thousand pound dumbbell in his chest. he knows that his body is going to go haywire with his episodes now. he knows that his body is going to torture him even more because it's so confused and scared because his tattoo is complete, the other side of his stars are there in black ink on his wrists but where is his soulmate?

where is minghao?

—

two weeks of ghosting him. peachy (2).

lao tried to help junhui feel better as much as he can, but he knows how obsessed he is with his soulmate and now that his other half rejected him — there's probably not a worse feeling in the world for him.

minghao waited in the practice room for music students anxiously, trying not to look at where the piano sat. he thinks if he would, he would start crying at the top of his lungs. he knows he doesn't show for it, but he feels bad for treating junhui like this — but it's the only way of keeping himself safe.

a person was pushed into the practice room, with a quick "ow!" and immediately the door was closed, and he heard someone on the other side locking it. _oh no._

his heart stops as he watches junhui appear closer, and he thinks so does junhui's. he can tell just by the way he's shaking in every bone out of anger, and tears glistening at the top layer of his eyes. minghao clenches his fist, as he awaits the outburst that junhui deserves to give him.

"do you know how obsessed i was with the thought of you growing up?!" junhui yelled and his eyes stung, and minghao just stood there like an idiot — looking agitated, his mouth slightly open as if he is waiting for jun to shut his mouth so he can continue being angry and yelling at him — his hands were at his sides, as if he's so angry he could punch a hole in the wall.

"i guess you always had a knack for getting too attached to people before you got to know them." minghao spat pure poison and no matter all the thick skin junhui had, he admitted that it stung.

"good one, asshole," he sneered. "do you not understand in your tiny, tiny brain that i suffered through so many episodes of panic and pain because i hadn't meet you yet? i was attached to you because not only then would those episodes stop and i wouldn't have to endure that type of pain anymore — it's like my body was punishing me for not looking hard enough even though i tried, really i fucking did — but my stars would complete! my soulmate would be right there in front of me and i would get the chance to fall in love properly, i had questions i wanted to ask you!"

"like what? _why am i such an obsessive and clingy piece of shit?_ "

"no, minghao." junhui had tuned down the fury and smoke in his growing hoarse voice, but managed to stay passive aggressive in his tone. "i wanted to ask you did you have to go through what i did. what was your favorite colour? what was your tattoo? have you ever wondered who i was before you met me? what were your hobbies? for fuck's sake minghao!"

"i had so many chances to fall in love." junhui whispered.

minghao bit back his tongue and asked, "why didn't you take them?"

"because the only person i ever wanted to fall in love with was you. i wanted to fall asleep next to you on a cabin couch, i wanted to go hiking with you and make out by a river, i wanted you to shine even if my light would suffocate and die because of it. i wanted to be there for you, i wanted for us to fall in love mutually. i always wondered stupid shit like when would we realize, when would we kiss, when would we go to an awkward date night? _when_? when would everything i wondered become a reality?"

he was so exhausted from yelling at his other half that there was a mere thirty (30) second silence between them, and then minghao just broke.

"of course i fucking did. i wondered what our kids would look like, what was your favorite constellation, would you hog the blanket. i wanted to know every detail on your face. i wouldn't sleep for nights because i was too preoccupied worrying if i would die before i met you."

"tell me, would you rather die before this or sit here and live through this with me?"

"i would rather fight with you." minghao sighed. "i know it doesn't seem like it at all, but i care about you. i want you to get everything you ever want. yeah, at first i just wanted to sleep with you and ghost you afterwards. when when we found out we're each other's, i still ghosted you anyway. i know that wasn't in any way, shape or form an appropriate reaction and i know i hurt you. i hurt myself too — and i'm sorry. i wasn't ready for a commitment to be with you and i was scared. i wasn't ready."

"you're saying that in past tense." junhui bit his lip, and his face was written with just suspension and nervousness.

"yeah. i'm ready, jun. i needed time to process it, and now that i have — i'm ready. you deserve better than an asshole like me, i know you do, but i want us to try. maybe we won't succeed this time, maybe we'll have to take another break. but i want us to keep trying and trying until we get it right."

minghao pulled up his sleeve, and on his right wrist was revealed a rocketship.

"stars and a rocketship." junhui whispered.

"yeah. no matter where i go with that rocketship, i'll always see stars. they'll always be right next to me."

"yo—you're c—cheesy," junhui stuttered as tears fell from his eyes, "you—you're su—such an asshole."

minghao looked at his other half, and opened his arms. "i'm sorry."

junhui didn't hesitate to jump right in his arms.

—  


  
_"y'know, i always thought two people don't have to kiss in order to fall in love, and my suspicions were right."_

_"doesn't matter. i love you, and i'll still kiss you."_

_"don't mind if i do!"_

—  


  


_**©totorojin,**_  
_**all rights reserved.**_  


  


**Author's Note:**

> dm me on twt (@/bloodguks) or on discord (versace boy#3526) if interested to join a writing studio


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